Is It Normal To Miss My Baby-free Life?

Embracing motherhood and letting our instincts take over is meant to be easy, isn’t it? But what if it isn’t?

Becoming a parent for the first time is like entering a whole new stage in life — it’s no wonder so many of us mourn for what we once had. Spontaneous weekends away, late date night’s out trying exotic new dishes, impulse buys to treat yourself (or your partner) without having to crunch the numbers, even the simple pleasure of having a clean and tidy house. No matter how much you love your little one, you can’t help but feel the odd pang for the life you once had.

You’re not alone. One study found that nine in ten parents would like an occasional lie-in or more ‘me time’. Seven in 10 admit to underestimating the impact their first child would have on their lives, as well as the compromises they would have to make across different areas. Four in 10 miss spending money without feeling guilty, whilst 35 percent miss the simple pleasure of having an uninterrupted bath or shower.

An overwhelming 87 percent of us would like to revisit or relive aspects of our pre-parenthood life for a day or more, whether that’s having more sex, controlling what we watch on the TV, or just being able to finish a cuppa before it goes cold.

I’ve never been one of those women who just can’t wait to experience motherhood. For the longest time, I wasn’t even sure if it was something I wanted, let alone if it would be possible. With so many natural earth-mother-type friends around me who live, sleep, and breathe motherhood, it left me feeling that much more isolated. Was there something wrong with me for missing the days when our little family was two, not three?

I miss my life before I became a mum. Is that normal?

Missing the freedom you once had is perfectly normal. Entering motherhood is a dramatic change, even after months of preparation, disturbed night's sleep, and strange changes to your body whilst pregnant.

Whether planned or an unexpected surprise, having a tiny, fragile, screaming little human being that relies on you for every little thing is huge. It can feel terrifying, overwhelming, even like you’ve lost all sense of control over your own life. Neither you nor your partner are the focus of your time and energy now: it’s all about your baby. Some days that might mean only drinking cold cups of tea or forgetting the last time you had a shower. Others, you can feel at your wits end if walks, rocking, singing, and white noise all fail to help your little one settle down to sleep.

Admitting how you are feeling, even if it’s just to yourself, is healthy and normal. It’s only when those feelings become overwhelming, you feel growing anxiety or dread, or if these feelings begin to impact your day-to-day life, that it might be worth seeking support through your midwife, health visitor, or GP.

Will I always feel this way?

While two-thirds of parents feel life was easier before having children, 71 percent say they are happier and more fulfilled after having a family. Nearly nine in 10 say that having a child was the best thing they have ever done. No matter how overwhelmed, frustrated, or exhausted you are feeling right now, you are going to get through this. You’re going to find a way of balancing the baby’s needs with your own. Sometimes, that just takes a little while.

How can I get past missing my old life and focus on enjoying motherhood?

One of the most helpful starting points can be to figure out what it is you’re missing from your old life. Make a list of specific things you miss, like staying up late, spontaneous nights out, or lazy Sunday lie-ins. The more detail, the better. Having everything written down in one place can help you to better pinpoint how you are feeling and how you can make changes to incorporate some of these missing elements.

Entering a new stage in life doesn’t have to mean giving up everything you used to do. Sure, some things won’t be possible now, in the near future, or maybe even further down the line. But there will be space to fit in activities that bring you a sense of joy, calm, or fulfillment that you might be missing.

Making time for self-care is never selfish. Having a self-care routine has been clinically proven to reduce or eliminate a wide variety of common mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, and stress, as well as minimising feelings of frustration or anger, whilst promoting, improving, and increasing concentration, happiness, and overall energy.

For me, it’s the lack of quality time with my partner, along with the lack of space to follow my own creative pursuits, that were (and are) most frustrating. I didn’t realise just how much I missed having an adult conversation that didn’t revolve around nappies, breastfeeding, weaning, or sleep schedules.

Once I was able to identify the areas that I most missed, I was able to work together with my partner to start building time back in to help address these needs. We aren’t able to have the multiple date nights a week we once had, but a couple a month is a compromise that is working for us right now. While I still miss having more adult conversations, I’ve found new, non-mum-related groups of friends online with shared interests that I can speak with at any time as we’re all from different time zones.

Find what works for you — and keep looking until you find the right combination. You may be a mother now, but it’s important to not lose track of yourself. Never feel guilty for putting yourself on the priority list. Those needs might not be near the top, but your needs are still valid and important.

In truth? Life will never be the same again

Once you step over the threshold and become a parent, there are things that irreversibly change. We can’t put ourselves and our wants first anymore. We can’t switch off every time we feel overwhelmed, or take a step back and look for someone else to step up and take over.

Motherhood demands the impossible from us. We’re expected to give, and give, and give. What’s more, it’s expected to come naturally to us — and if we let slip that it doesn’t? Oh boy, are we in for a world of shaming, guilt-tripping, and judgement.

The days are slow, but the years go fast. It seems like an impossible thing, especially during those first few overwhelming months. But once you are past the initial haze, certain things do seem to change between one breath and the next.

Be gentle with yourself. Be kind. You’re going to need time to get to know the new you, as there is no going back to the you that once was. And you know what? It’s going to be ok. Change is normal. Growth is normal. Admitting to the hard parts, and still finding moments of beauty and joy — still finding ways to be there for our family without losing sight of ourselves — that’s how we move forward. That’s how we stop longing for our past selves, or mourning what once was. You’re not a bad mum for looking back fondly or even missing the old you. You’re not a bad mum for missing just being you. We may not all say it out loud, but so many of us experience it too.

You’re not alone. You’re just trying to figure out how to be you all over again, in this new chapter of life.

If you are worried about how you are feeling, it could be a sign that you may need a little extra help and support. Find out more about postnatal depression, and how it can affect you.

Signs of postnatal depression

While missing your old life isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong, it’s worth knowing what to keep a lookout for when it comes to your mental health and wellbeing. While eight in ten new mums are thought to experience ‘baby blues’ in the days after giving birth, between 10 to 20 percent of women experience postnatal depression (PND) within the first year of their baby’s birth.

Common symptoms to keep an eye out for include:

• Ongoing feelings of sadness, being tearful, or having a low mood more often than not.
• Feeling irritable towards your baby or partner.
• Losing interest and enjoyment in the world around you or things you used to do.
• Lack of energy or feelings of lethargy all of the time.
• Difficulty sleeping at night or when baby sleeps.
• Trouble concentrating or making decisions.
• Loss of appetite or comfort eating.
• Feelings of agitation or irritation.
• Negative self-thoughts (eg, that you are not a good mother or that your baby doesn’t love you).
• Self-blame, guilt, or feelings of hopelessness.
• Feeling anxious that something bad may happen to your baby.
• Trouble bonding with your baby (eg, no sense of enjoyment or pleasure spending time with them).

If you are worried that you may be experiencing PND, it’s important to reach out as soon as possible to get the help and support needed. If you experience any thoughts about hurting yourself or your baby, or think you may be experiencing hallucinations or delusions, contact your GP or call 111 immediately. If you feel there is any immediate danger of harm to yourself or your baby, call 999.